In the days after my dad’s passing I felt so much, all of my emotions at once that somehow it was incredibly easy to know my needs. What do I want to do now, what is that for sure I won’t do, who do I have time for, what is the topic I want to talk about and what is completely irrelevant.
I truly appreciated this newfound strength of clarity. I sort of wished every day would be like this that I am completely sure on how to spend it and whom to spend it with. It brought me to forests and into cuddles on the couch, we went cycling in the cold winter weather and for walks around the block. I just knew what I needed and could decide for it with 100% certainty.
Every time I went somewhere I checked in with my father. Me who never sent selfies, started collecting them, as if I would send them to say ‘hi’ from another lovely adventure. There was some remorse that I haven’t done before, that I haven’t sent many pictures about what’s going on in my life but it didn’t matter anymore. Also, I knew that the main message arrived to him through and through: that we loved each other dearly and nothing else mattered for us.
And so the selfies remained my little check-ins, like saying ‘Hi, dad, see I’m listening, I’m actually listening to myself and doing all the good stuff’. Suddenly I felt no pressure taking these selfies, it was for him and not for the world. I didn’t need to be all sorts of things at the same time, I only needed to be me. For my dad. Because he saw me at the end of his life as this complete and complex woman that stands right before the selfie camera just like this. As a matter of fact.
It was early, just a bit after 7 am that I woke from a short 4 hour sleep. We stayed up doing the wake for a long time almost until 3 am. Just letting the emotions develop, slowly letting go attachments and allowing early grief to happen. It’s been such a unique experience and indeed with time, even with just hours passing I could feel that I'm able to move - if not yet on - but further, forward. With every minute it became more clear and by the time I slipped into my bed dizzy from not sleeping I knew that all was going to be well.
Then at dawn when all was still dark, the sky slowly turning brighter from dark blue and the stars still shining in the sky, I knew that I had to leave the house for my morning daily yoga practice. I needed to be out in the open. The weather was kind, it was a balmy morning, surprisingly warm for a mid november dawn. I had only my thin leggings on and a big jacket but was not cold at all walking under the early morning sky in my yellow leather shoes.
It felt right to come out here, into the park and I found my spot all so quick, intuitively looking around where I needed to be. I have chosen a small hilltop from which you can look all around, watching the big clouds move ahead and looking down onto the small lake.
I arrived at my spot and waited a bit, a little hesitant to proceed. I knew it would be difficult. I suspected that it would be emotional too. But I did not anticipate how it would be to breathe with life itself around me and in me that dawn. I took my arms up and above my head, palms meeting softly, left and right, coming together. Receiving my breath, allowing life in. It felt so big, so vast, all this life storming in, filling my body as if I was too small to hold it. I felt the vastness, this ‘oneness’ not as separate but as being one with it. As I was breathing, with every breath I could participate in it and in that oneness there was my father now too.
The tears have bursted again as I took another breath but there was beauty too, so much beauty indeed. Following how we can unite with just a simple breath linked movement. And how all that is around me, the morning sky with these huge fast-pacing white grayish clouds, or the flock of starlings flying around graciously with momentum and the warm morning wind on my wet face is all one and I can be one with it.
Every morning for my yoga practice if I wish. Meanwhile my father is permanently one with them. And what a beautiful place that is to be.
What a day it had been, such expectations. The preceding wishes, dreams, planning. It took a while. It took a great while to get here. Years of small steps I would say, so that this baby is born. It’s a few months now that I went live with my website for Yoga Method, which slowly forms the platform to share what I do in creating space for You and your uniqueness.
Biology is life. Life is biology. As I have explained already before, biology exploring the science of all living things on Earth. It is busy understanding the living organism. You, for example.
I have been fascinated and mesmerised by the idea of knowing more on how life operates. My choice for joining academia might have been one of pressured origins - having to decide WHAT I shall do the REST OF MY LIFE - it was my way to discover life in a setting that was acceptable for society in general.
There is no-one who agues with a scientist. Well, of course, obviously there are some who might argue with the science but no-one would argue that as a scientist you have a place in society overall. You might not be fully understood (‘Who knows what she might be actually doing…’) but you DO HAVE A PLACE.
I had no idea what to do. Literally no idea what I’d love, what I’d truly enjoy. During high school, I’ve chosen biology as a special direction only out of pure pressure. Needing to choose I started by crossing out the things that I really didn’t like and really didn’t want to study. That’s how I got stuck with biology - something that did not necessarily excite me endlessly in the beginning however I also did not hate the subject.
Instead of choosing for what I love, what excites me, what I do with joy; I chose what I do not dislike. Not bad. Not good either. Bland. Flat. Colorless. Responsible. Without much excitement. It was only later that I discovered what I have chosen, what I have come to discover here studying biology.
Life is biology. Biology is life. Let me explain something about the relationship between the two. I now truly believe that although I felt forced to choose a responsible subject for my studies, something serious and scientific, in that framework I have still chosen what I am most curious about. I have chosen life. A special homage to my curiosity of life, if you please.
Arriving simply. The warm weather is bearable, the wind is soft, the trees evergreen with their thick leaves. The sounds heavy with waves and chirping. My body slowly adjusting. It’s the 3rd day in Bali. My heart is still at home in the Netherlands, cautious of all the new things. Am I really to stay here until end of March comes? #backtobalioncemore #yogateachertrainingscholarship #hereIcome #barefoot
Some days we just need to be out. Out in the fresh snow that just appeared, silently falling the night before.
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As the snow continues falling throughout the day I go up the mountains for a short smooth day to hike by myself.
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Here, taking this shot, looking at these gracious creatures in the soft cold weather I’m still on the road. I don’t know that soon I’ll be lost, lost of where my trail goes next, lost while looking at my printed maps and trying to figure google maps out.
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It will get dark and the trail signs will be difficult to read in the forest. But I will get back on that trail and I will gain my breath back and the sounds around - and in my head - will get calm and quiet again.
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And then I will see the moon shining above, and it won’t get any darker as the snow shines beaming white, and there will be quiet and only the sound of my steps in the snow.
Love, Hanna
This girl here is new to this land, new to the sea, the rocks, the mountains. Probably still jet-lagged and a bit unsure. Nonetheless, she is full of fierce power and wild curiosity. Ready to go step by step, discovering land, sea and self in a way that is still completely unknown to her. Feeling uncomfortable and being mesmerised by what life has to offer.
It's been a month and a day, that my father died. It was exactly a month ago that he was buried and I watched his funeral on Zoom. On Zoom! Such a strange thing to write down still.
Now a month later I'm sure I was ready. Even if it's been all very sudden and unexpected, and still I have been prepared for this event. Some of it happened inside of me quietly, inwardly. And some of it was done from his side making me feel such a whole, such a strong, beautiful woman who got the smarts and the capability for many great things. He made me realise my capacity for learning, my ability to strive but what's more important that I do everything for my own sake and not for anyone else's. He saw the scientist in me, the knower as we say in Hungarian, and he kept saying that one day I'll be one. He shared this in front of many, making me blush with pride while I asked myself 'Do I really want that?'. I was not so sure. Without the possibility to truly discover my passions in that small village of the Hungarian countryside I followed the path he laid before me, and found myself at University studying Biology and making him very proud.
He said he would go to China once I'm already at university. He will go by bike, he said, about a year there and another year back cycling. Why China, I'm not sure, he was just interested. But then he became a grandfather and he was present in the life of every each grandchild of his - seven altogether. With ease and enthusiasm, taking responsibility with joy, care, love and being proud of all of them. Meanwhile having the time for painting ceilings with me in my first place in Budapest or making sure that we would choose the best apartment in Utrecht when moving.